This picture was taken 2 years ago in Bali. The smile was only fleeting, a quick laugh to strike a pose. Behind it, I was hiding so much tension and fear, so much resentment. For what, for whom? Probably myself. I had just started a year of travel with my family and I could not get out of my head to enjoy the free time I had worked so hard to set up. I had also taken on too much, designating myself to craft every last detail of every single thing for myself, my husband and our then 2-year old son. And as I am very stubborn, they sat back and enjoyed the ride. Of course, I didn’t — I resented them, myself and everything around us.
Two years later, I still do that — putting all the weight on my shoulders and being in my head. But I like to think I have gotten a little better at putting myself first and being present — it is a work in progress. I am not only fighting myself to get there, I am also facing resistance from my husband. He has been so used to me taking care of most things that he makes it sound like I don’t do shit when I put stuff on him. Either way, seems like I am always the bitch. I’d rather be a not-frustrated one then, if I can choose. Maybe we need couple’s therapy to try to understand each other. We seem to be miles apart too often — sadly, this is a constant in our relationship. Or is it in most relationships?
Today we are back in Bali for a couple of months. We are staying in the same place this picture was taken. Two and a million years have passed. So much has changed yet nothing has changed. It is a intriguing feeling. I have to wait a few days before I can better understand it — and described it.
