“Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love.” ~ Rumi
Last night, before falling asleep, something happened: I finally started that book I had bought a while ago. I fell asleep reading, without mentally reviewing my “to do” list over and over again. I used to always fall asleep reading. I had forgotten how nice it felt.
Tonight, I was on my own, my son sound asleep in his bed, my husband out for a bit. I watched my favourite show, while eating my favourite icecream. And then, something happened. I put on music, and I danced. Like no one was watching. This too felt like a far away memory. Of course I put music on for my son and I dance around with him. But this time, I danced just for me, my body moved to the music, the only words in my head were the ones of the song shouting “dance”, and it felt so natural — so good.
When did I stop reading? When did I stop dancing? I don’t blame pregnancy nor motherhood; as much space as they have taken, both have shed a new meaning over life. I do blame my bad professional choices. I have held on to jobs that make me unhappy for way too long. I have even committed to a new, intensive one recently, fooling myself that this was different — it is funkier in many ways, but the same eventually.
It is the first time I take ownership for my decisions. It is not about the jobs — the jobs are good, many people would kill to have them. It is about my choices, not to listen to my internal voice, to keep going because I am scared to lose everything, to misplace myself. I made mistakes, I see that now. It is hard yet relieving to admit it. It is ok though. Now I can learn from them and move forward. Now I can recover the bits of me that I really like and badly need.
Tomorrow, I will dance again.
