Today I turn forty. I have been dreading this moment for a few months now. It is silly, really, when you think about it. It’s not like it was a surprise; I knew this day would come — if I was lucky enough to live until now. And here we are.
I have so many, many things to be grateful for; I count my blessings every morning. It’s just… forty. You know, F O R T Y. I am too small to turn forty. I feel too young to turn forty. But maybe that’s the trick, the secret no one tells you about because it is so much better when you uncover it yourself. Forty is young. Haha — goes life — gotcha. You though you would feel old all of a sudden? Think again, I give you another decade.
I do feel older though. My body is softer, mushier. My face is slowly but surely starting to droop. I wish I would go back to my pre-baby shape. And don’t give me any of that your-body-bears-the-marks-of-your-blessings bullshit. It can bear those marks and still be in shape. I tell myself every day that I will work hard in getting back there for the coming weeks, months, years. I am not too bad at keeping up with it. But I also enjoy chocolate and yin yoga classes. Everything doesn’t have to be a struggle all the time, does it?
I need more downtime too; I cannot jump from one activity to the other. Actually, I could; I just don’t want to. I have done the whole running around thing, it is overrated, really. Life is much nicer when you take the time to live without rushing it. Without crowding your senses with a million stimuli undistinguishable from each other. One step at a time.
Even when you take the time, life is going by fast, very fast. I still have so many things I want to do… Come to think of it though, I only really started doing something about it three years ago. Before that, I was caught up in a race, following a very conventional path, trying to survive by escaping as much as possible. I didn’t have the confidence nor the experience to break free. This all started quite recently. And look how far I have come over this short amount of time. If anything, I should be excited for the years ahead and everything they have in store for me. Everything I have in store for myself. Could it be that it all comes together with age, after all?
I am happy today. I love and I am loved. I wake up every morning, move my body and use my brain. I can provide for my family. I am finding myself again. And it’s just the beginning.
Nice to meet you, Forty. Looking forward to getting to know you — me — better.
