Sensations, emotions, coming and going. I feel this now but tomorrow might be different — will be different. The fear and anxiety dissipate through the night and the morning brings hope and faith. Which one is real? Which one should I listen to?
Fear is ever present. Through the laughs, the plans, the excitement, it is right there, whispering in my ear — what if the worse happens? Of course it might, but it also might not. I believe in energies, I believe that what you visualise does materialise. Not in a genie-grant-me-my-wish kind of way — obviously. But I believe the broader picture is drawn by the energy we project onto it.
So, I am learning to tame my fear. I am getting to know it better too. I know when it will show up strong, to throw me off balance. There is no point in fighting it head on, it is there to be seen and heard. I listen to it — I let it ramble on. Then it is my turn to speak. I hear you — but you do not decide. I will take your opinion into account — but you do not decide. You may have valid points — but you do not decide.
Then who does? If I push back this fear, how do I know if my judgement isn’t clouded by stubbornness? I don’t. I do not.
What I do know is this. My glass is half full. And life is fucking beautiful. It is not easy, but it’s worth it — always. I do not have control over many things — but I am in this since the beginning. There must be something I am doing right. I will keep on doing, failing, learning, for as long as I can breathe. I got this.